Regarding State of Mind and Job Qualifications - 6.6.2024

I would not consider it inappropriate insofar as one may be concerned to provide a personal statement about my understanding of my previous job performance in light of what may be questionable about public consumption of alcohol or some other form of recreational substance that may impair one’s capacities for motor function or mental capacity. Of specific concern would be in regard to the period between November of 2010 and March of 2014 when I was first a contractor and then a civil service employee of the San Francisco Department of Public Health. That then provides a means to contextualize both prior to that timeframe and thereafter until now.

Prior to my job at the DPS I did not consider recreational use of marijuana to be a hindrance or potential performance of one’s job insofar as it was not consumed on the job. Before April of 2011, I had been without any consumption of recreational/mind altering substances since the end of 2007 after I had undertaken lifestyle changes upon personal decision. I had not been a frequent recreational alcohol consumer ever in my life – at least not to intoxication when I did consume – and I had not consumed alcohol for more than three years prior to April of 2011.

In March of 2010 I had reason to obtain medical treatment. As a result of the medical diagnosis and other events, it was determined that I required prescription of medication that impacted my mental capacities, including my analytical thinking capacities and parts of my immediate memory recall. These hindrances were characterized as in accordance with the “disability” with which I was diagnosed. At the time of the diagnosis I disputed the diagnosis. I received immediate short-term treatment but believed that I had recovered to a point where I would no longer need medication to adjust to what I had hoped was a temporary condition. After one month off of the medication, however, the infirmity returned with even greater duress and I then submitted to a residential treatment program for persons identified as “dual diagnosis” with both a mental disability and a substance abuse condition. 

The original diagnosis was in March of 2010; the treatment was from that date for two weeks. By the beginning of June I was informed that I was in need of the residential treatment which was to last for three months. At the time I entered the residential treatment it was understood that I did not qualify for the dual diagnosis because I did not have a substance abuse problem. I was informed that persons without a substance abuse problem could still participate in the residential program for mental disability. As part of the treatment, however, everyone was required to attend group sessions on managing substance abuse. This included sessions of Alcoholics Anonymous/Narcotics Anonymous and exposure to the program's process and objectives. I understand the confidentiality requirements of the program, but believed for myself that I did not qualify and contemplated what the long-term impact of being in an AA/NA program of that sort would be on persons like myself who did not qualify with persons who believed they did. My concern was that there was a sort of implied competitiveness that came with what one is exposed to in group treatment/therapy versus when one has private or individual therapy, including in connection with understanding that there is a characterization of the treatment as “reprogramming” in an effort to prepare one to be able to participate in society as functionally as possible in consideration of their disability. 

After I finished the treatment program I was able to be resided with persons who had their own relationships with disability but did not engage in recreational drug use. There was legal alcohol consumption by the adult and it was not restricted. I was able to obtain a part-time job by November of 2010 and by April of 2011 I was able to acquire two part-time jobs. In the meantime I had applied for Social Security Disability Insurance. I was denied continuing SSDI by February of 2011, but was awarded a one-time disbursal of “back SSDI” for the two years prior to my diagnosis. I was then provided within two months with a check in the amount of the stated back SSDI payment that I deposited into a savings account I opened in connection with a checking account for the jobs I had acquired. One job did direct deposit and the other had paper checks that I deposited bi-monthly.  

Shortly after I obtained my two jobs I became a recreational alcohol consumer. I did not analyze it too much but I did believe that it was an offset of other things that had been impaired by my medication consumption in terms of aptitudes or personality expressions that I could not engage while I was on the medication. I knew enough about psychology and trauma to know objectively that I was attempting to “compensate” for what I was not able to experience anymore in terms of analytical and other mental functions which impacted my capacity to socialize and participate in political organizations by using recreational drinking as a social activity. I also drank alcohol in the home. Through the course of nearly two and half years, I increased not only the volume of alcohol I drank but also the amount of money I spent on alcohol. For a one-year period I also took up drinking alcohol at lunch during the work day though not to what would be legally considered intoxication. 

In this time, I do not recall “blacking out” or “getting drunk” despite increasing my alcohol intake. I do recall gaining weight and being conscious of how much weight I gained and how long it took to meet certain indicators of weight gain. During the entire time I was drinking I did not engage in any sexual activity. I understood my alcohol consumption to be a contingency of my “medication compliance” with regard to my misgivings about the alleged “diagnosis” and the context within which I at the time believed that without being on the medication I would not be “capable” of working at all. 

This is not an excuse. I do not believe myself to have been an alcoholic. I was a compulsive consumer of alcohol. I understood myself to be “competing” with myself in what I was consuming and to what threshold I could consume it aware that I would not be able to sustain my physical person and continue to consume as much alcohol as I did. I was, however, not being supported either in therapy or the available social spheres in which I operated with assistance with getting off the prescription medications that were ostensibly required as “treatment” for my mental disability.

In August of 2013 I left the two part-time jobs and became full-time employed at the DPS. At this time I weighed nearly 240 lbs and walked with a cane within a month of beginning the job. I attempted after I obtained private health insurance as part of the job to discuss with my private therapist my desire to begin a process of “getting off the drugs” and trying to find ways to “manage” my disability without medication. I received no support, including when I attempted to bring the subject up with my work supervisors. By the end of October of 2013, I experienced a traumatic event that correlated with certain stresses from my job that came about after finding information in the course of my job that disturbed me greatly. Due to the inability to reconcile what I “knew” to be a problem with any manner in which to contextualize to verify WHAT the problem was with the information I discovered, I became more convinced that I NEEDED to get off the medication in order to be able to regain my analytical capabilities as well as my self-confidence. I KNEW that what I was exposed to was not only illegal, but unconscionable, but I did not know HOW and I did not know how to find out.   

I took time off of work, including with a doctor’s note. I had stated during that time repeatedly that I wanted to get off the drugs – including by cessation of alcohol consumption and any other recreational drug use – and was repeatedly told by my doctor that stopping the medication was “not advised” and instead was supposed to accept a new prescription for other medications with increased dosages. This compounded what I was already experiencing. By the end of the year, I had dislocated my kneecap and broken my wrist. I honestly believe that the consumption of the medication was a threat to my life. By March of 2014, I contended that if it meant I had to leave my job because I could not “work” if I was not on the medication, then I would have to leave my job. I ended up resigning from my job by March 2, 2014 and was told I was not eligible for the union at that point, but that I was eligible for unemployment insurance and I applied for unemployment insurance.

Within two months of leaving the job I had gone through the “withdrawal” symptoms of stopping the medication. It took longer to completely modify my alcohol and recreational marijuana consumption, but in that time I lost nearly 80 pounds in 10 months in preparation for a life transition that allowed for me to leave the country for six months in 2015. By the beginning of 2015, I was not using any marijuana and was not drinking more than two beers at a time when I occasionally drank. 

In my alcohol consumption, I mostly consumed red wine, beer, or vodka mixed with orange juice. I also knew that I had made a specific decision to “pay” for my rent with my savings and to only pay for the alcohol with my “wages.” I made this decision as soon as I deposited the SSDI. Until I began increasing my alcohol consumption I had no reason to “draw on” my savings for rent. I believe that my “compulsive consumption” is a part of unconscious calculation of caloric intake. I believe that the calories of the quantity computed as a form of “reserve” concerning the base of the alcohol – which was mostly grain, mostly wheat – and that this has been proven as part of what has happened in what would have been the tenth anniversaries of the time of concern regarding my consumption at the time. Grain is the major commodity used in “swap” deals – including commodity swaps as part of international reserve strategy – and it has made a difference that the calculation of my “prescription medication consumption” was based on a different “funding source” than my alcohol consumption. My alcohol consumption was not paid for with “insurance” or public assistance although for some time my healthcare was publicly provided. I was not eligible for monthly assistance in the form of Social Security or Medicare, and any “General Assistance” in the form of cash or food stamps was not used or even available during periods wherein I consumed alcohol. It would have been my “private income” – even if provided by a public agency – that would have been used to purchase the alcohol or whatever else transpired in the course of marijuana consumption.

By December of 2014, I had a political change of mind regarding recreational marijuana consumption. I did not use marijuana again after that and by October of 2015 following a political conference in which I was able to participate – which I did not understand myself to be capable of doing for the years I was on medication and did not do while I was on medication – I decided to eliminate marijuana from my life as a recreational activity and to “boycott” marijuana consumption permanently. My political decision has not changed since and I do not anticipate it will change in the future.  

There is no excuse insofar as one may have perceived that my alcohol consumption impacted my work for it to have either been tolerated or to have been avoided. At no point did anyone ever address that they had concerns about my alcohol consumption with me in regards to my work, but neither did anyone with whom I was associated socially. I was concerned as time went on that this was indicative of other things that were not being disclosed that I had demonstrated my cognizance of but was not receiving verification that others understood it in such a manner, including in connection with what I said in March of 2010 I understood to be the circumstances of my need for medical treatment – which was not about a “genetic disorder that ran in my family” or a “mental disability.” In the time since I stopped taking mediation, eliminated compulsive alcohol consumption, and permanently ceased any marijuana consumption. I have verified the circumstances for the causes of the medical condition I actually experienced at the time and how such medical conditions have been allowed to be misdiagnosed. I contend there are political reasons, including to politically de-legitimize people who are considered political “threats” and that the subsequent obligations associated with the alleged “medical treatment” have proven this. 

For another matter, consider that in February of 2014, I was told that once I turned forty years old, I was eligible for “knee replacement “surgery as confirmed for one of my knees and most likely for both of my knees. Because of the fact that one had to wait until forty – as there was an expectation of life expectancy until eighty years old and one would need another replacement after twenty years and the anticipated bone damage would only allow for two replacements – I was expected to be in physical therapy for four years awaiting the replacement surgery with injections of lubricant into my knee and prescriptions of painkillers. At the last doctor's visit I attended when they provided this assessment, I was given a prescription for a medication I understand legally qualifies as an “opiate” but I did not fill it. I also did not go back to the doctor after that and I resigned from my job. I did not believe that the “medical diagnosis” was accurate and that even at that point I had “medical need” for a knee replacement surgery. That was over ten years ago. I am now 47. Technically, I am more than FIVE YEARS after what should have been the first knee replacement and in what would be the fifth year of beginning physical recovery/rehabilitation after the second knee replacement. And yet, I must walk hours a day every day under my present physical, economic and mental condition and I have NOT HAD THE DRUGS OR THE REPLACEMENT OF METAL FOR BONE.

I did not agree to any obligation associated with a misdiagnosis of my “joints.” I also did NOT agree to obligations associated with my misidentified “medical illness” in the form of what was called a “genetic disorder that runs in my family.” In the residential treatment program which I attended, one of the social workers told me to look through the DSM-IV to review the diagnoses and see what I thought. I spoke with him about what I saw and he affirmed that what I observed was an accurate observation. I contended that the “accuracy” of the diagnosis was dependent upon at what point in the spectrum of “appearances” of symptomatology the “doctor” intervened. What I said to him, however, was that if one could be increasing symptomatic, then what would it take for one to be decreasingly symptomatic? 

The understanding is that the principles of the work environment in which I worked were to “accommodate persons with disabilities.” I by the standards I would now hold myself and others too would have believed it was within my right to request drug tests if I thought that intoxication impaired someone’s capacities to do their job BUT I would also assure that those tests did not allow for the sale or trade of genetic or biological information concerning the person who was tested. At the time, however, that was not requested of me. The disciplinary actions I did receive were about my tardiness or lateness in the morning which I understood to be more a consequence of the medication. 

How one would evaluate my “character” at that time is a serious concern. I understand that due to my medication consumption and what it did to me biochemically – including how it impacted my emotional and other psychological experiences – that my “friendships” with people do not have the same sort of connection that my PREVIOUS friendships had with others I knew before I began medication. On one hand this has been beneficial for me since I got off the medication because no one can manipulate emotions or connections I did not have. There is, however, the matter of the fact that neither can those who knew me at this time give an accurate assessment of what my potential was or could have been because I was at a baseline functioning and did not actively engage in analytical processes or communications and I engaged almost no political work or participated in few political opportunities while I was on medication. I did not believe the “trade off” in the “relief” from the “stress” or “trauma” of my political commitments or the attendant consequences of addressing the political environment at the time was worth it.

I was supposed to be a recipient of benefits from two pension funds during that time. Neither pension fund has responded to my requests for information now in over seven years. My medical records from that time are now inaccessible to me, including to get a later second opinion, and what I did see in 2017 did NOT meet what would have been the required standard for medical records that I had to hold other medical records to in MY JOB at the Department of Public Health when it came time to archive them or allow them to be classified as inactive. MY OWN MEDICAL RECORDS WOULD NOT HAVE PASSED A COMPLIANCE EXAM. My understanding is that MOST people who are so diagnosed are NOT supposed to know, much less understand, their rights to access and even challenge their own medical records or even to know what the legal standards are for those medical records to qualify as legal. If my employer did NOT believe within reason that I COULD UNDERSTAND MY OWN MEDICAL RECORDS WERE I TO HAVE TO REVIEW THEM FOR COMPLIANCE STANDARDS then why would they have hired me to begin with?

Why would the same department hire people that said it was a “genetic disorder that ran in my family” and not tell me who they KNEW my “family” was and is?

It has been now over ten years since I consumed marijuana. I do not intend ever to consume it again. I do not drink alcohol recreationally, especially on the street. Due to my own experiences cumulatively and recently especially, I have revised my political perspective on “harm reduction” when it comes to drug and alcohol abuse, especially for “people on the streets” and do NOT support economic-based exceptions to drug-free policies. I actually believe harm reduction exacerbates racism and especially sexism and transphobia, and that it ALSO puts a gender-based burden on MEN to provide drugs while it burdens women to PROVIDE sex in exchange for drugs without even addressing the underlying causes of poverty or its actual relationship to drug use and alcohol abuse. As a matter of justice or accountability, including fiscal accountability, I believe at this point people who were on the streets at the time I was consuming recreational marijuana and alcohol compulsively – even while I was also consuming medication for an alleged “mental disability” – are more entitled to be apprised of a rectification of whatever policy abuse or mis-spending of public monies would be connected to any concerns about my work abilities or performance on the job, specifically because I was working at the Department of Public Health in an administrative role where matters of legal compliance factored not only into matters of finance, but also LAW and Constitutional rights. I believe I have “served my time” and that obstruction of what could otherwise have been done by now based on class-based presumptions of competence need to contend with the criminal implications of remanding persons to “homelessness” who are otherwise capable. 

It is important to know that one of the first things I did when I began working as a civil service employee was – after being directed to by my supervisor – review the changes that occurred at the time to the HIPAA – meaning the LAW – and learn about how “fraud” was reported and how to “prevent” fraud from occurring UNDER THE LAW. If you were to say that me reading those laws had an unconscious impact on me understanding I needed to “get off the drugs” you may be correct. My concern, however, is that it should have been acknowledged as having a CONSCIOUS effect and I should have been in a position to and supported in CONSCIOUSLY pursuing remedies that were accountable and verifiable regarding those concerns. Others should as well, but it has now been more than ten years for me.

I contend this is a more than sufficient statement on these matters. I can pass a drug test, but without a written contract assuring that any medical information that is acquired and tested is completely protected from further research or any other form of commercial activity, I do not consent to the violation of my Fourth Amendment – or my Fifth Amendment.

3:30 pm CST

June 6, 2024

/s/: Charity Crouse

Co-President Charity Colleen “Lovejoy” Crouse

See here: https://charitycolleencrouse.wixsite.com/head/healthcare.

Additionally please understand the following:

In order to be legally and verifiably considered "intelligence" or "secret service" one has to go through a formal process, including background check. That requires at the START filling out an official form that asks specific questions about drug use and alcohol consumption. UNLESS someone verifies you filled out and submitted this form you are NOT protected in any alleged "intelligence" or "secret service" role. Drug use and "mental disability" may disqualify you, but more than that is if you perjure yourself by lieing on the form or any process thereafter. I contend it is BAD FAITH to be approached for an "intelligence" or a "secret service" position if the person or entity of concern KNOWS YOU WOULD NOT QUALIFY IN AN OFFICIAL VETTING AND REVIEW PROCESS. The issue of documentation also goes to SECURING YOU. They need to assure they can SECURE you PRIOR to them allowing for you to believe that service is required of you. This was part of my second part of my appeal from February of 2023. The "burning of the draft card" is also destruction of a government document that is a SECURITY document of the state. There is no unverifiable "secret selective service" for that reason either.

3:39 pm CST

June 6, 2024

Co-President Charity Colleen "Lovejoy" Crouse